Friday, February 10, 2012

Week 3: Weigh In

This week was a tough food week for me since it was my birthday week.  I stayed mostly on track, but I'm not surprised at my smallish loss for the week.  After all, I had Thai food on Friday, ribs over the weekend, and a big old hamburger on Monday night with the girls.  But, it is all good in the hood.  I lost 1.6 lbs this week; for a total of over 13 lbs down.  I should be in the 330s in no time, which is amazing and wonderful.

I know that I'm only three weeks in and I have a very long road ahead of me, but I'm looking forward to the journey.  I just have to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race.  I didn't put on this weight overnight, so I can't expect it to fall off in a few short months.  I just have to keep working the program and the program will work, even if it's one pound at a time. 

I did take a photo of the scale on Thursday morning, but the lighting was terrible so you can't really see anything.  *sigh*  Maybe next week I'll have success.  Who knew that taking a simple photo could be so hard?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Weight Loss + Scrapbooking = Creativity with a Purpose

I am a scrapbooker and I have been for several years, even before my daughter was born.  I got into because a dear friend of mine was a scrapbooker and because I wanted an excuse to use all the pretty patterned paper that I would see at Michael's.  Well, roughly 1000 sheets of patterned paper later, I am addicted.  I'll admit that I love collecting all of the bits and bobs involved in the hobby, but I do love the art of it. Yes, I think of it as an art.  It may not be as "cool" as other art forms, but I love being able to tell a story through photos, paper, and embellishments.  I'm not the most creative person ever, but scrapbooking and related arts, make me feel creative.  It's also a great stress relief for me. 

So, as I was wandering through Michael's the other day, I found a Smash Book.  This product came out a few months ago and took the scrapbooking world by storm.  It would sell out immediately online.  It took forever for the big box stores to get it in stock.  Basically it's a spiral bound notebook with patterned paper.  There are various embellishments you can buy for it as well.  It's a really cool product. 

I was trying to think of a way to both document and inspire my journey.  I wanted a physical reminder of my goals and my reasons for doing this.  I love writing my thoughts in a blog format, but I felt the need to do something *more*. 

So, I pulled out my paper and glue and sundry other supplies and got to work.  I'm only a few pages in, but I'm really liking it so far.  I feel energized and really creative after working on it. 

This is the title page -- you can't tell, but the word "fat" is glitter letters
Another shot of the cover page.  The word "project" is comprised of fuzzy felt letters.
The first two pages.  The one on the left was just a plain green page, but I added patterned paper to jazz it up and made a pocket to hide some journaling. 

The "here's the story" embellishment is a transparancy that I glued to the inside of the pocket. The sheet of paper in the pocket is kind of a summary of my life as a fat girl and why I'm changing, now. Since it's fairly personal, I wanted to keep the journaling hidden.

I found it really ironic that the first page had a graphic that said "we baked you a cake." So, I added a little WW humor. I also had the tickets in my stash and when I saw them, I couldn't get the phrase "I Love You like a Fat Kid Loves Cake" out of my head. So I went with it.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Fullness, a NSV

Friday was my birthday.  My lovely husband took me out for Thai food.  I hoarded points all day so I could eat my Pad Thai with a minimum of guilt.  After all, it's 10 points a cup, and we know what kind of serving sizes most restaurants have.  So, we get settled in at the restaurant and I get to chose the appetizer.  I resisted the calamari and the spring rolls -- both deep fried, but oh so yummy.  I decided to get these shrimp-crab-pork wonton things because they sound relatively healthy.  They were AMAZING.  I could have eaten about 10 of them, but I stuck with my half of the order, just three. 

The entrees arrive and I dive into my Pad Thai.  Dive in because, well, I had been hoarding points all day and frankly, I was starving.   But you know what?  As I ate, I started to feel full.  And for the first time in a long time, I paid attention to what my body was feeling.  I. Stopped. Eating. When. I. Got. Full.  I had half of the plate left, but I pushed it to the side and didn't nibble my way through the rest of it. 

We didn't get desert at the restaurant, but I suggested that we go next door to the Yogi Castle which is a frozen yogurt place.  they had a dozen flavors, all low fat or fat free, so a healthy choice, right?  I was making up my mind what I should get when I realized that I was still full.  I didn't want (nor need) any frozen yogurt.

We walked out without getting anything. 

What the hell?  I listened to my body twice in one evening?  Is this a sign of the apocalypse? 

To normal eaters, it's not big deal to stop eating when you're full.  Normal eaters know when they're full.  They don't feel guilty if they don't clean their plate.  They don't feel anxious that if they don't eat something right then and there, even if they're full or not hungry, that the food will disappear and they'll never have the chance to eat it again.  They don't enjoy the feeling of being stuffed to overflowing. 

However, I am not a normal eater.  I don't think I technically count as a compulsive overeater or as a binger, but I do have some of those tendencies.   I feel a compulsion to clean my plate.  If I can't decide what I want, I sometimes think that I have to order a bit of everything so I don't miss out on something that I will wish later that I had eaten.  It's hard for me to tell when I'm full versus stuffed. 

Normal people would not have viewed this as a victory for me, but it was indeed a victory for me and I'm very proud of myself.  I slowed down, listened to my body, and more imporantly, I heeded what my body was telling me. .  It was indeed an excellent birthday.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Self-Gratuitious Posting

Happy Birthday to ME! Happy Birthday to me!  Happy Birthday, dear Sarah, Happy Birthday to me!

Okay, we can return to our regulary scheduled programing.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Week 2: Weigh In

I actually was excited to step on the scale this morning.   I know that seems a bit crazy, but it's the truth.  I just had a good feeling about this week.  I've been within my points all week.

Plus, I now have a scale that is actually consistent.  I know, a novel concept, expecting one's scale to provide the same reading within a 5 minute time span.  So, I went into this weigh in feeling good, but also knowing that the number on the scale may not be exactly right because I've switched scales.  As anyone who has ever used scales know, two scales rarely give you the same weight.  You can weigh one thing at the doctor's office, a completely diferent number at home, and a completely different one at the gym.  And I'm not talking about the gain and loss that natural occurs throughout the day as you eat and drink water; the weight can vary by 10 lbs sometimes!

ANYWAY, when I got on the scale this morning, sans clothes (!), I weighed 344 lbs!  That is -6.6 lbs since last week!  For a total loss of 11.6 lbs!  Go me!  I can now say that I am out of the 350s and it feels AMAZING to say that. I hope to never see them again. 

I meant to take a picture of the readout this morning so I have a picture to go with my post, but I forgot.  Weighing in before work is actually a little tricky for me.  My husband is a morning showerer so I get the munchkin up, changed, dressed, and give her her bottle.  My husband fixes the bottle before his shower.  I then get myself dressed and wait to finish doing my morning routine once Diego is out of the shower (he takes the longest showers ever.  I have no idea why it takes such a skinny man such a long time to get clean!).  However, I prefer to weigh in nekkid.  Clothes add like a pound or two to your weight. Why would I want to artificially inflate my weight like that ;-)

So, on Thursday mornings that puts us a little bit behind schedule.  I hate being behind schedule.  I get very anxious if we're running late.  You would have thought that a two year old would have broken me of that habit, but old habits die hard.  Anyway, the moral of the story is, it's a production to weigh myself on Thursday mornings, so that's why I forgot the camera.  If I didn't have it upstairs with me, there was no way I was going to remember this morning.  Which I didn't.  Maybe next weei.

I'm still on a mental high from the big loss, but now I need to focus on keeping myself motivated.  I know that it's unlikely that I'll have a big loss again next week; it's a commonly accepted "rule" that in the beginning the weight comes off pretty easily, but as you continue to lose the rate of loss slows down.  Alot of people get discouraged by this, especially if they're used to seeing 5 lb losses.  But, at some point your body adjusts to the fewer calories and responds accordingly.  And, everything I've read says that a slower rate of loss is better for you in the long run.

I just have to keep telling myself that slow and steady wins the race.  I just have to focus on today and not worry about what tomorrow or next week will bring. Because if I do the best I can each and every day, I'm bound to see results, even if they are small results.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

What motivates you?

I've had motivation on my mind for the last couple of days. I know that I have a long haul ahead when it comes to weight loss.  After all, I'd have to lose 190 - 200 pounds to be considered a healthy weight by most medical professionals.  Even to just get to my personal goal of under 200, I'll have to lose over 150 lbs. 

I generally try to avoid thinking about the total amount I have to lose because it's daunting and a bit overwhelming.  Even if lose the equivalent of an average sized woman, I'll still be considered to be overweight.  If I start to think about the magnitude of what lies ahead, my anxiety and negative self-talk starts to kick in.

I have enough experience with anxiety and negative self-talk that I try to avoid that at all costs because I know that I can work myself into a tizzy that takes days to crawl out of.  Tizzy is a technical term, of course :-)

In order to keep me (mostly) sane, I choose not to think about the magnitude of a 150 lb loss.  Instead, I try to rationalize that I just have to lose 10 lbs, 15 times.  That is MUCH more manageable.  I can do that.  I try not to think too far ahead; I concentrate on the here and now.  I worry about staying On Plan for the day or the week, but not much further out than that.

And that is well and good, but I still face the problem of how to stay motivated to stay On Plan, to make healthier choices, to lose 10 lbs 15 times. I'm still in the honeymoon stage; I'm just two weeks in and I lost an amazing 5 lbs my first week.  But, anyone will tell you that the honeymoon phase wears off soon enough and the rate of weight loss slows down.  I think that I am going into this with the right mindset -- that I just need to keep going and not let things derail me.  I know that there will be bad days and bad weeks.  But, I need to just pick up the pieces and start anew the next day.  I'm hoping that I can keep that at the forefront of my mind as I go through this journey.

But, to be honest, I haven't given a lot of thought as to how I'll keep myself motivated.  I have a few nebulous ideas that I need to put into action.

I came across this blog post a few days ago about "Motivation Marbles" and it really struck a chord with me. I LOVE the idea of having a visual reminder of my efforts.  So, I snuck out of work for a bit yesterday and took a trip to Michaels.  I picked up my glass gems and two jars and when I got home last night, I started to count out the gems and put them in the jars I had purchased.  However, the jars are much too large for what I want -- I want the "pounds to go" jar pretty full, without a lot of empty space. So, I need to head back to exchange them on Thursday.  But, I should have this all set up by Friday.  I just have to figure out where to keep them.  I have a two year old, so I need to make sure they're not somewhere where she can easily get to them.  Otherwise I will either have a giant mess on my hands, or a two year old who has swallowed vase filler. Neither is a good thing.

During my adventure at Michaels, I also came across Smash Books.  Being a scrapbooker, I knew all about them, but I had never really had a chance to flip through one before as it was just recently that they've made it to the big box stores. They are quite the hot lick in the Scrapbooking world right now; they flew off the shelves of online stores.   As I looked through them, I thought that they would be a great way to do my Beck Diet Solution exercises.  The book suggests using index cards, and at first I thought that was great, but I think it would be awesome to use the Smash Book instead.  That way I can include all kinds of stuff from the response cards that are talked about in the book, to random thoughts, quotes, articles, etc. 

Of course, having a bit of a shopping addiction, I couldn't decide between the pink folio or the orange folio, so I bought both.  Oy.

I'm sure as I continue, I'll find ways to motivate myself. I know a lot of people reward themselves with things like jewelry or manicures or books or something. Maybe I should institute that.  For every 10 lbs I lose, I get a little something-something.  Hmmm....that would pair well with my shopping addiction ;-)

How do you keep yourself motivated?

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday Summary


Weight: 350.6 as of my Thursday weigh in

Exercise: Not a blessed bit of exercise this week, unless you count taking the stairs between 9th and 8th floors at work.

Mood: sleepy but generally content.  A lazyish Sunday at home with the hubby and munchkin.

On Plan: Yep, on plan and feeling good about it.

Challenges from the last week:  I feel hungry more often than I thought I would, so I'm trying hard to either resist or to make healthy snacking choices.  I'm eating my points, so I'm not quite sure where the hunger is coming from. 

Successs from the last week:  got honey mustard on my turkey and ham sub on wheat at Subway.  No tuna, no mayo, no white bread.  Resisted emotional eating.  Face your stuff; don't stuff your face. 

Reading: as usual, I'm juggling several books at once: Arrow's Fall by Mercedes Lackey, To Shield the Queen by Fioana Buckley, and The End of Overeating by David A. Kessler, MD.  Fantasy, historical mystery, and nonfiction all at once. 

Inspirational/Motivational quote of the week:  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagine                   

Goal for the upcoming week:   to stay within my points allotment and to try to get more dairy into my diet.  I've been very lax on dairy. 

Scroll to Top

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A Fat Girl Manifesto

 This is my Fat Girl Manifesto

I am many things.

I am strong. I am smart. I am, yes, even pretty, even at 350.6 lbs.  I am resilient.

I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague.

I am funny.  I am serious.  I am introspective.

I am a hard worker.  I am honest.  I am ethical.  I am loving.  I am well-spoken.  I am a good cook and a better baker.

I am also fat. 

Why is it that the last item on my list is what tends to define me, at least to strangers? 

I have come to realize that you have two choices living as a fat person -- you can let life beat you down or you can let life make you stronger. Society is not kind to fat people; you need a thick skin to survive out there (no pun intended). I chose to tell Society Eff You; I can be fat and happy and smart and funny and pretty and a good person.

I am not losing weight because I hate myself. I'm losing weight because I love myself. I am losing weight to be healthy; so that I can live a long life and spoil my future grandchildren rotten.

Unfortunately many of my fellow fat people have let Society beat them down. They truly believe that they are lesser human beings because they are fat. That they are unlovable at their size. That they are everything that society tells them they are: ugly, lazy, unkempt, dumb, weak. That is bullshit. BULLSHIT.

However, it's hard not to believe the hype. It's hard not to fall into the trap of "well, other people say it, so it must be true." And that is why it's so hard not to beat yourself up and think the worst when you have a bad meal, a bad day, a bad week. When you see a teeny tiny loss on the scale or worse, a gain. So many overweight people are so used to hearing and thinking the worst about themselves that they've internalized it so much that *they* believe it. They had that piece of cake, they might as well throw up their hands and eat the whole cake now. They gained a pound, so they might as well throw in the towel and stop trying.

Instead of acknowledging and celebrating the numerous things they've done right, they only focus on what they've screwed up. 

Fat people need to learn to both be more gentle and more tough with themselves.  Gentler, in the sense that we all mess up sometimes.  Doing so is not the end of the world.  Doing so does not mean that you can't just pick up the pieces and keeping moving forward.  You have to be gentle enough to fogive yourself.  Tougher in that you need to tell yourself not to take the easy way out.  You need to toughen up mentally and physically, face your demons about food and your self-worth, and stick it out.  You need to be tough enough to keep moving in the direction that you want to go. 

Change is hard.  I personally hate change.  I am a creature of habit, of the status quo.  But, I am choosing to change.  Once again, not because I hate who I am, but because I love who I am.  I love my family.  I care enough about myself and my family to make the choice to pursue a healthier lifestyle, to take care of myself, and to do everything I can to be around for a long, long time.

I know this won't be easy.  I'm sure I'll trip along the way.  But, I'm going to give it my all. 

Always remember:
From the amazing

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Week 1: Weigh In

I am having a love/hate relationship with my scale right now.  Last night I tested it in the bathroom and it game me the same weight reading each time.  This morning, it gave me multiple readings, some that differed by as much as a pound.  That is annoying. But, I keep telling myself that as long as the scale isn't going up, that's a good thing.

So, I decided to take the most "middle" weight.  Drumroll please.....350.6.  5 lbs gone!

And if anyone is interested, here is the chart of my meals this week as well as my good health guidelines and activity level.  You'll notice that I was a bad WW member in that I averaged less than my daily allotment of points, which is not recommended.  I also was very lax in the water and dairy department.  This week, I'm going to commit to eating/drinking more dairy and getting in more water.  I think that water may help with the hunger pangs I have when I shouldn't be hungry anymore.

Yes, I have no activity points.  Right now, I need to get a handle on my eating, then I can up the activity level.  I am taking the stairs between my floor and the floor below, so that is a small step.

They've taken away one point from my daily allotment so now I'm at 53 points.  Wheeee!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Beck Diet Solution, Day 1

So, you remember all those books I bought on Amazon.  I didn't end up reading any of them last night, but today during lunch I decided I needed to take a break from work.  Luckily I still had some of the books on my desk.  So, I picked up The Beck Diet Solution and started reading.

This book was a last minute add to my Amazon cart.  It was a bargain book, so I only spent like $5 on it.  It had gotten good reviews. So, I figured, the worst that happened is that I'd be out $5. 

So, I've started to read it and I'm really digging it thus far.  Basically, it is written by a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and has experience counseling dieters.  She has created a 6 week program to help retrain your mind to think like a  thin person.  She starts off the book by outlining how a thin person things.  Things like thing people don't comfort themselves with food; they find other ways to comfort themselves.  That maintaining these eating habits  is a life-long undertaking; thin people are always mindful of what and how they're eating.  I've heard some of these things before, but they do make sense.  One of the many reasons that I am fat is that I do comfort myself with food.  I do justify eating too much or the wrong things by saying "I deserve this" or "I've had a bad day", etc.

Let me also say that I am a huge believer in therapy.  I have a standing weekly appointment with a therapist whom I've been seeing for probably 6 months or so.  It is, quite seriously, the highlight of my week.  That is my hour to talk about whatever the hell I want to.  I can bitch about my husband.  Admit to being a crappy mom.  Talk about how my parents screwed me up (and whose parents haven't screwed them up? :-) ).  For the last two weeks we've talked about the new house we're trying to buy.  Some sessions are more productive than other sessions, but I am happy to pay this woman $20/week to listen to me. 

So, the author breaks down this books into six weeks of daily activities.  There seems to be lots of checklists and writing activities.  Today's assignment is to take an index card and make a list of advantages of losing weight; why you want to lose weight.  I have written my list on my index card (actually two index cards).  You are supposed to read this card twice a day at specific times that you chose as well as refer to it whenever you need a reminder of why you're doing this so you don't lose view of the big picture.

I love this.  I need reminders and having things written on an index card is a portable, private way of doing so. 

The second part of the assignment is to commit in writing when you will read the Advantages Card.  I need to do that.  I think that I will read it just before bed.  I'm struggling with the second time during the day to read it.  I don't know if I should read it at home or at work.  Work is so stressful sometimes and so busy that finding time to read this, even the 5 minutes it will take, is daunting.  But, since I spend so much of my day at work, I have a feeling that I'll have to pick a time.  Or, I could read it in the morning during our commute when my husband takes my daughter into the babysitter's.  That would give me a few free, private minutes, and help me start my day off on the right foot.  I like that idea.  I'll try it out and adjust as necessary.

We're also supposed to set up a reminder system, both of what our reasons are as well as to actually read the response card.  If I don't have a time to read the cards at work, I think that it'll be best to set an alarm on my phone.  But, I also like the idea of having an email or appointment or something pop up during the course of my day that reminds me of what my responses are.  I think I need to see how to get Outlook to do that.  Or, maybe Gmail has a function like that -- Google Calendar perhaps? 

So, in summary, I like the plan thus far, but it is just day one.  We will see if I work the program.

On a related note, I'll weigh in for WW tomorrow.  I have been taking peeks at the scale and I think I'm on the right path.  I am nervous but excited about tomorrow.  I'm trying not to get caught up in what the number on the scale is.  After all, I've been within my points and there is nothing wrong with slow and steady weight loss.  But, we all want to lose 5 lbs in a week, don't we?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Non-Scale Victory

In the parlance of Weight Watchers (WW) there are these things called non-scale victories, or NSVs.  An NSV is any weight-loss related accomplishment that isn't losing weight.  It could be losing inches or a pants size.  It could be running for the first time, or finishing your first 5k.  It could be telling some annoying person to STFU before you sit on them :-)  And many times, NSVs revolve around the food we don't eat, eat in moderation, or eat something else instead of.

I had two NSVs today.

The first was in my office.  We're investigating a new coffee vendor -- similar to Kcups, but different.  So, they brought in all kinds of samples for the staff to try.  And, they brought in something like six dozen Dunkin' Doughnuts.  They brought in glazed Dunkin' Doughnuts, which happen to be my most favorite kind of doughnut.  Well, other than the mini white powdered ones.  I avoided the coffee test tasting because I didn't want to place myself in temptation's way.   However, when I went down to get my lunch time diet coke, the doughnuts were still there, calling my name!  I looked at them adoringly, but, I didn't take one!  I got my diet coke and walked the flight of stairs up to my floor. 


So, that was NSV #1 today.  Sarah: 1; Doughnuts: 0.

The second happened this evening at home.  My husband and I got into, shall we say, a bit of a heated discussion.  I was mad and frustrated and wanted to cry.  And all I could think of was "a number 3 at McDonald's will make me feel all better.  I'll go out and get one.  And then I'll feel better."  Seriously, that's what ran through my head for like 20 minutes.  I ended up going out to the pharmacy to pick up a few things.  The McDonald's is on the way home.  But, as I pulled out CVS's parking lot I told myself "I don't want McDonald's".  And you know what? I didn't any longer.  I wasn't going to let McDonald's be my drug of choice.  It all ties into my favorite weight loss quote: face your stuff; don't stuff your face.  I didn't stuff my face!

So, that was NSV #2.  Sarah: 1; McDonald's: 0.

To someone who isn't an emotional eater or isn't tempted by fried sweet goodness, you'll think I'm an idiot.  But, if you are an emotional eater like me, you'll relate.  If you're one of those people who eat something just because it's there and free, you'll relate.  If you've ever struggled with making the harder, but better, choice about what you put in your body, you'll relate. 

I'm proud of my NSVs today.   It gives me hope.

My love affair with Amazon

I have always loved books.  Even from an early age, I much preferred to be reading than doing almost anything else.  I devoured books and still do, although with a 2-year old, I now read on a less frequent basis.  Like many women, I'm a multi-tasker, so I usually have two or three books going at once -- my downstairs book, my bedroom book, and, I'll admit it, my bathroom book. 

Look, when you have a two-year old, sometimes your only private time is in the bathroom.  And lately, I haven't even had that since she's decided that she has to join me in the bathroom most of the time.  So, I refuse to be ashamed because I read in the bathroom.

I'm always on the look out for a good motivational book, whether it's about losing weight, eating right, managing time better, being a better mother, being a better wife, working smarter not harder, etc.  I tend to be obsessive about a certain topic or idea and then must possess every book on that subject.  It's probably why my bookshelves are sagging from the weight of my kazillion books.

The other night I placed an order for seven books.  That was me showing restraint -- there were twice that many that I wanted.  And they will all be delivered today thanks to the wonder that is Amazon Prime.

So, what's on my reading list?

One book for work: 

18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done

And six books just for me:

Life Is Hard, Food Is Easy: The 5-Step Plan to Overcome Emotional Eating and Lose Weight on Any DietThe End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without FoodChange Anything: The New Science of Personal SuccessThe Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin PersonShrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating Forever

They are all highly rated on Amazon and, more importantly, sound really interesting to me.  I'm particuarly looking forward to the Change Anything book.  I think it will be nice to get some insight into how our brains work and how to make change click.  Because, if I'm going to lose 150 lbs or more, I need my mind to click sooner or later.  Hopefully sooner. 

I'm sure I'll be posting follow up posts about the books; maybe even giving them a review on Amazon.  I know nobody reads my blog, but if you do, leave me a comment with your favorite self-improvement/motivational/inspirational book.

Happy reading!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I love grocery shopping

I love shopping of any kind, including grocery shopping.  What is weird though, is that my husband usually does the shopping since I had the baby.  It was just easier for me to stay home with her while he went.  Although I love the actual activity of shopping, I hate parking, and dealing with crowds and he is much better at dealing with those things.  However, having him do the shopping has caused funny and annoying situations in the past -- like the time I asked for whipping cream for corn pudding for Thanksgiving and he came home a can of whipped cream.  Oh well, I still love the guy.  He didn't know that whipping cream existed, and why should he?

Anyway, I've gone shopping the last two weeks to stock up on my "diet" food.  It's easier for both of us -- he doesn't have to worry if he's getting me the right item and I can impulsively pick up items that I see that look good.  And I don't have to justify why I need steel cut oats AND regular oatmeal. 

I just got back from Giant with a $97 food bill.  What's sad is that doesn't include the shopping my husband did earlier in the day at the Latino Supermarket where we get most of our meat, fruits, and vegetables.  The produce is usually better and cheaper than at Safeway or Giant and the meat is totally cheaper.  But, they don't sell things like cottage cheese or string cheese.

I'm not fat because I dislike fruit or veggies.  I'm fat because I love fatty food, I worship at the altar of carbs, my portions are way too large, and I don't exercise.  But I was thrilled to load up my cart today with yummy goodness.  I try to avoid too many processed foods when I do Weight Watchers.  I've realized that snack bars and crackers don't do much for me.  But, I was thrilled to find Libby's Splenda-sweetened canned crushed pineapple.  That's 0 pts for 1/2 a cup as opposed to 2 pts for the same serving size of pineapple chunks in juice.  Now I can have all the cottage cheese and pineapple that I want!

Did you know that Frank's Buffalo wing sauce is fat free and calorie free?  I know!  Get the hell outta here!  I forgot half the ingredients for this recipe, but I think I have enough things in the house that I can do substitutions.  Of course, my husband just informed me that he doesn't like buffalo chicken, but that's okay with me!

And, I bought the ingredients for this recipe as well:  I'm going to try using applesauce instead of the veggie oil and adding in some blueberries instead of the rasins. 

Both recipes sound super yummy and they're WW friendly!

Friday, January 20, 2012

My new favorite weight loss quote

Someone on the Weight Watchers message board had this quote in their signature:  Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.

Love it.  For someone who is an emotional eater, this fits me to a "t".

Why, oh, why?

I've been thinking about why I want to lose weight.  Some of you may think "well, duh, you want to lose weight so you're not a fat ass any more".  And yes, that is part of it, but honestly, it's a very small part of it. 

I've always been fat.  I can't remember a time that I haven't been fat.  And I made my peace with my size many years ago.  Sure, I had delusions of being a skinny-minny, but I also thought that I was still a pretty good looking gal even if I was plus sized.  I never really blamed my weight for my problems and in fact, by many standards, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm married, have an amazing two-year old daughter, a job that I mostly enjoy and am mostly good at, the respect of my coworkers, etc.  My weight did not prevent me from doing any of these things.  In most areas of my life, I never felt that my weight was holding me back.

But, over the course of the last couple of years, things have changed for me.  For the first time in a long time, I feel unattractive.  I can tell that the weight is starting to take a real toll on my body and my health.  I'm on medication for high blood pressure.  My back starts to ache when I stand or walk too long, and sadly, "too long" isn't really that long at all.  I am completely out of breath when I go from the basement to the second level of the house.  Like my-husband-thinks-I'm-going-to-pass-out-on-him-right-then-and-there out of breath.  My shoulders hurt, my feet hurt, my knees hurt.  My feet swell and look like gross little water balloons. 

And, sometimes, especially over the last two weeks, I start to feel out of breath randomly, and have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest.  And I'm terrified that my days are numbered.

Or worse, that I'll stroke out, survive but never be the same, and will be a burden to my family.

I can't face that.  I just can't. My daughter deserves a real mom who will be there for her for years to come.  And although sometimes I want to stab my husband with a plastic fork, I do love him, and he deserves a healthy wife as well. 

So, for the sake of myself and my family, I really must stay on this path this time.

Lest you think that I am morbid all the time, there are other, fluffier reasons that I'd love to lose this weight.  My doctor's office scale only goes up to 350 lbs.  I already have to use the "big girl" scale instead of the normal people scale, so I don't know what I'll do if I go in for my physical in March and they can't take my weight because I exceed the weight limit.

I'd like to see my collarbone again; it's a pretty nice collarbone.  I also think that I have a chin and some cheekbones around here somewhere.  I'd like to be able to carry my daughter more comfortably and to play with her more actively.  I'd like to be a better health role model for her.   I'd like to learn to swim, but I can't and won't until I'm not embarassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  I'd like to not be worried about seating in restaurants -- when you're very large you are very particular about where you sit and if you'll be able to fit in the booth, or be able to have your chair back far enough to acommodate you but not bump up against the person behind you.  And it would be nice to not dread flying so much.  I hate it at this size because I'm uncomfortable in the seat and I'm probably making the person next to me uncomforatable.  When I was traveling a lot for work, I was terrifed to have my flight changed becaue it meant I might end up in a middle seat, which is the worst possible place for a fat person on a plane.

So yes, I'd like to no longer be a fat ass, but there are so many other reason, too.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Beginning Again....Again

New Year, New You -- right?  I'm not sure what it is about the beginning of  a new year that causes everyone to make grandiose promises to themselves about their weight, finances, career or otherwise.  But, every year I do it, even as I know that the chances of me hitting those goals are probably fairly low. As they say, insanity is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results. 

Maybe I'm insane.  I have joined Weight Watchers, oh, 4 or 5 times over the last decade or so.  I've also "done" South Beach.  And I've had some success in the past, but I always fall off the wagon and then watch it roll off into the sunset without me. 

In any case, I'm on the weight loss bandwagon again.  I've gone through my usual weight loss resolution check list:

1.  Join Weight Watchers online -- check
2.  Spend a lot of money on healthy food -- check
3.  Track intake of said healthy food via aforementioned Weight Watchers -- check

I've also managed to buy myself a new scale, thinking that my old scale couldn't be accurate.  I weighed myself on both this morning and they differed by about 4lbs.  Now I have to decide which is more accurate.  Since I don't want to get my hopes up, I've decided to go with the one that gave me the higher weight, just to be on the safe (but slightly more depressing) side. 

So, although I've been tracking for about half of a week, I'm considering today my starting point.  And my starting weight is....drumroll please...355.6 lbs.  Yes, I am two average sized people big.  I think it's safe to say this is probably the biggest I've ever been.  I look back fondly on those days when I was "just" 309 lbs.  I think at one point I had even gotten down to around 288.  But, there's no use in crying over spilled milk, right?  It is what it is, and you just have to move onward and upward.  Well, downward, really, but you know what I mean.