Sunday Summary



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Weight: 350.6 as of my Thursday weigh in

Exercise: Not a blessed bit of exercise this week, unless you count taking the stairs between 9th and 8th floors at work.

Mood: sleepy but generally content.  A lazyish Sunday at home with the hubby and munchkin.

On Plan: Yep, on plan and feeling good about it.

Challenges from the last week:  I feel hungry more often than I thought I would, so I'm trying hard to either resist or to make healthy snacking choices.  I'm eating my points, so I'm not quite sure where the hunger is coming from. 

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Successs from the last week:  got honey mustard on my turkey and ham sub on wheat at Subway.  No tuna, no mayo, no white bread.  Resisted emotional eating.  Face your stuff; don't stuff your face. 



Reading: as usual, I'm juggling several books at once: Arrow's Fall by Mercedes Lackey, To Shield the Queen by Fioana Buckley, and The End of Overeating by David A. Kessler, MD.  Fantasy, historical mystery, and nonfiction all at once. 

Inspirational/Motivational quote of the week:  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagine                   

Goal for the upcoming week:   to stay within my points allotment and to try to get more dairy into my diet.  I've been very lax on dairy. 

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A Fat Girl Manifesto

 This is my Fat Girl Manifesto

I am many things.

I am strong. I am smart. I am, yes, even pretty, even at 350.6 lbs.  I am resilient.

I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague.

I am funny.  I am serious.  I am introspective.

I am a hard worker.  I am honest.  I am ethical.  I am loving.  I am well-spoken.  I am a good cook and a better baker.

I am also fat. 

Why is it that the last item on my list is what tends to define me, at least to strangers? 

I have come to realize that you have two choices living as a fat person -- you can let life beat you down or you can let life make you stronger. Society is not kind to fat people; you need a thick skin to survive out there (no pun intended). I chose to tell Society Eff You; I can be fat and happy and smart and funny and pretty and a good person.

I am not losing weight because I hate myself. I'm losing weight because I love myself. I am losing weight to be healthy; so that I can live a long life and spoil my future grandchildren rotten.

Unfortunately many of my fellow fat people have let Society beat them down. They truly believe that they are lesser human beings because they are fat. That they are unlovable at their size. That they are everything that society tells them they are: ugly, lazy, unkempt, dumb, weak. That is bullshit. BULLSHIT.

However, it's hard not to believe the hype. It's hard not to fall into the trap of "well, other people say it, so it must be true." And that is why it's so hard not to beat yourself up and think the worst when you have a bad meal, a bad day, a bad week. When you see a teeny tiny loss on the scale or worse, a gain. So many overweight people are so used to hearing and thinking the worst about themselves that they've internalized it so much that *they* believe it. They had that piece of cake, they might as well throw up their hands and eat the whole cake now. They gained a pound, so they might as well throw in the towel and stop trying.

Instead of acknowledging and celebrating the numerous things they've done right, they only focus on what they've screwed up. 

Fat people need to learn to both be more gentle and more tough with themselves.  Gentler, in the sense that we all mess up sometimes.  Doing so is not the end of the world.  Doing so does not mean that you can't just pick up the pieces and keeping moving forward.  You have to be gentle enough to fogive yourself.  Tougher in that you need to tell yourself not to take the easy way out.  You need to toughen up mentally and physically, face your demons about food and your self-worth, and stick it out.  You need to be tough enough to keep moving in the direction that you want to go. 

Change is hard.  I personally hate change.  I am a creature of habit, of the status quo.  But, I am choosing to change.  Once again, not because I hate who I am, but because I love who I am.  I love my family.  I care enough about myself and my family to make the choice to pursue a healthier lifestyle, to take care of myself, and to do everything I can to be around for a long, long time.

I know this won't be easy.  I'm sure I'll trip along the way.  But, I'm going to give it my all. 

Always remember:

From the amazing http://photoblog.shapes.se/index.php?showimage=332

Week 1: Weigh In

I am having a love/hate relationship with my scale right now.  Last night I tested it in the bathroom and it game me the same weight reading each time.  This morning, it gave me multiple readings, some that differed by as much as a pound.  That is annoying. But, I keep telling myself that as long as the scale isn't going up, that's a good thing.

So, I decided to take the most "middle" weight.  Drumroll please.....350.6.  5 lbs gone!

And if anyone is interested, here is the chart of my meals this week as well as my good health guidelines and activity level.  You'll notice that I was a bad WW member in that I averaged less than my daily allotment of points, which is not recommended.  I also was very lax in the water and dairy department.  This week, I'm going to commit to eating/drinking more dairy and getting in more water.  I think that water may help with the hunger pangs I have when I shouldn't be hungry anymore.

Yes, I have no activity points.  Right now, I need to get a handle on my eating, then I can up the activity level.  I am taking the stairs between my floor and the floor below, so that is a small step.

They've taken away one point from my daily allotment so now I'm at 53 points.  Wheeee!

The Beck Diet Solution, Day 1

So, you remember all those books I bought on Amazon.  I didn't end up reading any of them last night, but today during lunch I decided I needed to take a break from work.  Luckily I still had some of the books on my desk.  So, I picked up The Beck Diet Solution and started reading.

This book was a last minute add to my Amazon cart.  It was a bargain book, so I only spent like $5 on it.  It had gotten good reviews. So, I figured, the worst that happened is that I'd be out $5. 

So, I've started to read it and I'm really digging it thus far.  Basically, it is written by a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and has experience counseling dieters.  She has created a 6 week program to help retrain your mind to think like a  thin person.  She starts off the book by outlining how a thin person things.  Things like thing people don't comfort themselves with food; they find other ways to comfort themselves.  That maintaining these eating habits  is a life-long undertaking; thin people are always mindful of what and how they're eating.  I've heard some of these things before, but they do make sense.  One of the many reasons that I am fat is that I do comfort myself with food.  I do justify eating too much or the wrong things by saying "I deserve this" or "I've had a bad day", etc.

Let me also say that I am a huge believer in therapy.  I have a standing weekly appointment with a therapist whom I've been seeing for probably 6 months or so.  It is, quite seriously, the highlight of my week.  That is my hour to talk about whatever the hell I want to.  I can bitch about my husband.  Admit to being a crappy mom.  Talk about how my parents screwed me up (and whose parents haven't screwed them up? :-) ).  For the last two weeks we've talked about the new house we're trying to buy.  Some sessions are more productive than other sessions, but I am happy to pay this woman $20/week to listen to me. 

So, the author breaks down this books into six weeks of daily activities.  There seems to be lots of checklists and writing activities.  Today's assignment is to take an index card and make a list of advantages of losing weight; why you want to lose weight.  I have written my list on my index card (actually two index cards).  You are supposed to read this card twice a day at specific times that you chose as well as refer to it whenever you need a reminder of why you're doing this so you don't lose view of the big picture.

I love this.  I need reminders and having things written on an index card is a portable, private way of doing so. 

The second part of the assignment is to commit in writing when you will read the Advantages Card.  I need to do that.  I think that I will read it just before bed.  I'm struggling with the second time during the day to read it.  I don't know if I should read it at home or at work.  Work is so stressful sometimes and so busy that finding time to read this, even the 5 minutes it will take, is daunting.  But, since I spend so much of my day at work, I have a feeling that I'll have to pick a time.  Or, I could read it in the morning during our commute when my husband takes my daughter into the babysitter's.  That would give me a few free, private minutes, and help me start my day off on the right foot.  I like that idea.  I'll try it out and adjust as necessary.

We're also supposed to set up a reminder system, both of what our reasons are as well as to actually read the response card.  If I don't have a time to read the cards at work, I think that it'll be best to set an alarm on my phone.  But, I also like the idea of having an email or appointment or something pop up during the course of my day that reminds me of what my responses are.  I think I need to see how to get Outlook to do that.  Or, maybe Gmail has a function like that -- Google Calendar perhaps? 

So, in summary, I like the plan thus far, but it is just day one.  We will see if I work the program.

On a related note, I'll weigh in for WW tomorrow.  I have been taking peeks at the scale and I think I'm on the right path.  I am nervous but excited about tomorrow.  I'm trying not to get caught up in what the number on the scale is.  After all, I've been within my points and there is nothing wrong with slow and steady weight loss.  But, we all want to lose 5 lbs in a week, don't we?

Non-Scale Victory

In the parlance of Weight Watchers (WW) there are these things called non-scale victories, or NSVs.  An NSV is any weight-loss related accomplishment that isn't losing weight.  It could be losing inches or a pants size.  It could be running for the first time, or finishing your first 5k.  It could be telling some annoying person to STFU before you sit on them :-)  And many times, NSVs revolve around the food we don't eat, eat in moderation, or eat something else instead of.

I had two NSVs today.

The first was in my office.  We're investigating a new coffee vendor -- similar to Kcups, but different.  So, they brought in all kinds of samples for the staff to try.  And, they brought in something like six dozen Dunkin' Doughnuts.  They brought in glazed Dunkin' Doughnuts, which happen to be my most favorite kind of doughnut.  Well, other than the mini white powdered ones.  I avoided the coffee test tasting because I didn't want to place myself in temptation's way.   However, when I went down to get my lunch time diet coke, the doughnuts were still there, calling my name!  I looked at them adoringly, but, I didn't take one!  I got my diet coke and walked the flight of stairs up to my floor. 

Phew.

So, that was NSV #1 today.  Sarah: 1; Doughnuts: 0.

The second happened this evening at home.  My husband and I got into, shall we say, a bit of a heated discussion.  I was mad and frustrated and wanted to cry.  And all I could think of was "a number 3 at McDonald's will make me feel all better.  I'll go out and get one.  And then I'll feel better."  Seriously, that's what ran through my head for like 20 minutes.  I ended up going out to the pharmacy to pick up a few things.  The McDonald's is on the way home.  But, as I pulled out CVS's parking lot I told myself "I don't want McDonald's".  And you know what? I didn't any longer.  I wasn't going to let McDonald's be my drug of choice.  It all ties into my favorite weight loss quote: face your stuff; don't stuff your face.  I didn't stuff my face!

So, that was NSV #2.  Sarah: 1; McDonald's: 0.

To someone who isn't an emotional eater or isn't tempted by fried sweet goodness, you'll think I'm an idiot.  But, if you are an emotional eater like me, you'll relate.  If you're one of those people who eat something just because it's there and free, you'll relate.  If you've ever struggled with making the harder, but better, choice about what you put in your body, you'll relate. 

I'm proud of my NSVs today.   It gives me hope.

My love affair with Amazon

I have always loved books.  Even from an early age, I much preferred to be reading than doing almost anything else.  I devoured books and still do, although with a 2-year old, I now read on a less frequent basis.  Like many women, I'm a multi-tasker, so I usually have two or three books going at once -- my downstairs book, my bedroom book, and, I'll admit it, my bathroom book. 

Look, when you have a two-year old, sometimes your only private time is in the bathroom.  And lately, I haven't even had that since she's decided that she has to join me in the bathroom most of the time.  So, I refuse to be ashamed because I read in the bathroom.

I'm always on the look out for a good motivational book, whether it's about losing weight, eating right, managing time better, being a better mother, being a better wife, working smarter not harder, etc.  I tend to be obsessive about a certain topic or idea and then must possess every book on that subject.  It's probably why my bookshelves are sagging from the weight of my kazillion books.

The other night I placed an order for seven books.  That was me showing restraint -- there were twice that many that I wanted.  And they will all be delivered today thanks to the wonder that is Amazon Prime.

So, what's on my reading list?

One book for work: 














And six books just for me:



They are all highly rated on Amazon and, more importantly, sound really interesting to me.  I'm particuarly looking forward to the Change Anything book.  I think it will be nice to get some insight into how our brains work and how to make change click.  Because, if I'm going to lose 150 lbs or more, I need my mind to click sooner or later.  Hopefully sooner. 

I'm sure I'll be posting follow up posts about the books; maybe even giving them a review on Amazon.  I know nobody reads my blog, but if you do, leave me a comment with your favorite self-improvement/motivational/inspirational book.

Happy reading!

I love grocery shopping

I love shopping of any kind, including grocery shopping.  What is weird though, is that my husband usually does the shopping since I had the baby.  It was just easier for me to stay home with her while he went.  Although I love the actual activity of shopping, I hate parking, and dealing with crowds and he is much better at dealing with those things.  However, having him do the shopping has caused funny and annoying situations in the past -- like the time I asked for whipping cream for corn pudding for Thanksgiving and he came home a can of whipped cream.  Oh well, I still love the guy.  He didn't know that whipping cream existed, and why should he?

Anyway, I've gone shopping the last two weeks to stock up on my "diet" food.  It's easier for both of us -- he doesn't have to worry if he's getting me the right item and I can impulsively pick up items that I see that look good.  And I don't have to justify why I need steel cut oats AND regular oatmeal. 

I just got back from Giant with a $97 food bill.  What's sad is that doesn't include the shopping my husband did earlier in the day at the Latino Supermarket where we get most of our meat, fruits, and vegetables.  The produce is usually better and cheaper than at Safeway or Giant and the meat is totally cheaper.  But, they don't sell things like cottage cheese or string cheese.

I'm not fat because I dislike fruit or veggies.  I'm fat because I love fatty food, I worship at the altar of carbs, my portions are way too large, and I don't exercise.  But I was thrilled to load up my cart today with yummy goodness.  I try to avoid too many processed foods when I do Weight Watchers.  I've realized that snack bars and crackers don't do much for me.  But, I was thrilled to find Libby's Splenda-sweetened canned crushed pineapple.  That's 0 pts for 1/2 a cup as opposed to 2 pts for the same serving size of pineapple chunks in juice.  Now I can have all the cottage cheese and pineapple that I want!

Did you know that Frank's Buffalo wing sauce is fat free and calorie free?  I know!  Get the hell outta here!  I forgot half the ingredients for this recipe http://mybizzykitchen.com/2010/02/06/best-buffalo-chicken-chili/, but I think I have enough things in the house that I can do substitutions.  Of course, my husband just informed me that he doesn't like buffalo chicken, but that's okay with me!

And, I bought the ingredients for this recipe as well:  http://blueberrygirlinoz.blogspot.com/2010/05/no-sugar-oat-drops.html.  I'm going to try using applesauce instead of the veggie oil and adding in some blueberries instead of the rasins. 

Both recipes sound super yummy and they're WW friendly!

My new favorite weight loss quote

Someone on the Weight Watchers message board had this quote in their signature:  Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.

Love it.  For someone who is an emotional eater, this fits me to a "t".

Why, oh, why?

I've been thinking about why I want to lose weight.  Some of you may think "well, duh, you want to lose weight so you're not a fat ass any more".  And yes, that is part of it, but honestly, it's a very small part of it. 

I've always been fat.  I can't remember a time that I haven't been fat.  And I made my peace with my size many years ago.  Sure, I had delusions of being a skinny-minny, but I also thought that I was still a pretty good looking gal even if I was plus sized.  I never really blamed my weight for my problems and in fact, by many standards, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm married, have an amazing two-year old daughter, a job that I mostly enjoy and am mostly good at, the respect of my coworkers, etc.  My weight did not prevent me from doing any of these things.  In most areas of my life, I never felt that my weight was holding me back.

But, over the course of the last couple of years, things have changed for me.  For the first time in a long time, I feel unattractive.  I can tell that the weight is starting to take a real toll on my body and my health.  I'm on medication for high blood pressure.  My back starts to ache when I stand or walk too long, and sadly, "too long" isn't really that long at all.  I am completely out of breath when I go from the basement to the second level of the house.  Like my-husband-thinks-I'm-going-to-pass-out-on-him-right-then-and-there out of breath.  My shoulders hurt, my feet hurt, my knees hurt.  My feet swell and look like gross little water balloons. 

And, sometimes, especially over the last two weeks, I start to feel out of breath randomly, and have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest.  And I'm terrified that my days are numbered.

Or worse, that I'll stroke out, survive but never be the same, and will be a burden to my family.

I can't face that.  I just can't. My daughter deserves a real mom who will be there for her for years to come.  And although sometimes I want to stab my husband with a plastic fork, I do love him, and he deserves a healthy wife as well. 

So, for the sake of myself and my family, I really must stay on this path this time.

Lest you think that I am morbid all the time, there are other, fluffier reasons that I'd love to lose this weight.  My doctor's office scale only goes up to 350 lbs.  I already have to use the "big girl" scale instead of the normal people scale, so I don't know what I'll do if I go in for my physical in March and they can't take my weight because I exceed the weight limit.

I'd like to see my collarbone again; it's a pretty nice collarbone.  I also think that I have a chin and some cheekbones around here somewhere.  I'd like to be able to carry my daughter more comfortably and to play with her more actively.  I'd like to be a better health role model for her.   I'd like to learn to swim, but I can't and won't until I'm not embarassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  I'd like to not be worried about seating in restaurants -- when you're very large you are very particular about where you sit and if you'll be able to fit in the booth, or be able to have your chair back far enough to acommodate you but not bump up against the person behind you.  And it would be nice to not dread flying so much.  I hate it at this size because I'm uncomfortable in the seat and I'm probably making the person next to me uncomforatable.  When I was traveling a lot for work, I was terrifed to have my flight changed becaue it meant I might end up in a middle seat, which is the worst possible place for a fat person on a plane.

So yes, I'd like to no longer be a fat ass, but there are so many other reason, too.

Beginning Again....Again

New Year, New You -- right?  I'm not sure what it is about the beginning of  a new year that causes everyone to make grandiose promises to themselves about their weight, finances, career or otherwise.  But, every year I do it, even as I know that the chances of me hitting those goals are probably fairly low. As they say, insanity is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results. 

Maybe I'm insane.  I have joined Weight Watchers, oh, 4 or 5 times over the last decade or so.  I've also "done" South Beach.  And I've had some success in the past, but I always fall off the wagon and then watch it roll off into the sunset without me. 

In any case, I'm on the weight loss bandwagon again.  I've gone through my usual weight loss resolution check list:

1.  Join Weight Watchers online -- check
2.  Spend a lot of money on healthy food -- check
3.  Track intake of said healthy food via aforementioned Weight Watchers -- check

I've also managed to buy myself a new scale, thinking that my old scale couldn't be accurate.  I weighed myself on both this morning and they differed by about 4lbs.  Now I have to decide which is more accurate.  Since I don't want to get my hopes up, I've decided to go with the one that gave me the higher weight, just to be on the safe (but slightly more depressing) side. 

So, although I've been tracking for about half of a week, I'm considering today my starting point.  And my starting weight is....drumroll please...355.6 lbs.  Yes, I am two average sized people big.  I think it's safe to say this is probably the biggest I've ever been.  I look back fondly on those days when I was "just" 309 lbs.  I think at one point I had even gotten down to around 288.  But, there's no use in crying over spilled milk, right?  It is what it is, and you just have to move onward and upward.  Well, downward, really, but you know what I mean.