Why, oh, why?

I've been thinking about why I want to lose weight.  Some of you may think "well, duh, you want to lose weight so you're not a fat ass any more".  And yes, that is part of it, but honestly, it's a very small part of it. 

I've always been fat.  I can't remember a time that I haven't been fat.  And I made my peace with my size many years ago.  Sure, I had delusions of being a skinny-minny, but I also thought that I was still a pretty good looking gal even if I was plus sized.  I never really blamed my weight for my problems and in fact, by many standards, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm married, have an amazing two-year old daughter, a job that I mostly enjoy and am mostly good at, the respect of my coworkers, etc.  My weight did not prevent me from doing any of these things.  In most areas of my life, I never felt that my weight was holding me back.

But, over the course of the last couple of years, things have changed for me.  For the first time in a long time, I feel unattractive.  I can tell that the weight is starting to take a real toll on my body and my health.  I'm on medication for high blood pressure.  My back starts to ache when I stand or walk too long, and sadly, "too long" isn't really that long at all.  I am completely out of breath when I go from the basement to the second level of the house.  Like my-husband-thinks-I'm-going-to-pass-out-on-him-right-then-and-there out of breath.  My shoulders hurt, my feet hurt, my knees hurt.  My feet swell and look like gross little water balloons. 

And, sometimes, especially over the last two weeks, I start to feel out of breath randomly, and have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest.  And I'm terrified that my days are numbered.

Or worse, that I'll stroke out, survive but never be the same, and will be a burden to my family.

I can't face that.  I just can't. My daughter deserves a real mom who will be there for her for years to come.  And although sometimes I want to stab my husband with a plastic fork, I do love him, and he deserves a healthy wife as well. 

So, for the sake of myself and my family, I really must stay on this path this time.

Lest you think that I am morbid all the time, there are other, fluffier reasons that I'd love to lose this weight.  My doctor's office scale only goes up to 350 lbs.  I already have to use the "big girl" scale instead of the normal people scale, so I don't know what I'll do if I go in for my physical in March and they can't take my weight because I exceed the weight limit.

I'd like to see my collarbone again; it's a pretty nice collarbone.  I also think that I have a chin and some cheekbones around here somewhere.  I'd like to be able to carry my daughter more comfortably and to play with her more actively.  I'd like to be a better health role model for her.   I'd like to learn to swim, but I can't and won't until I'm not embarassed to be seen in a bathing suit.  I'd like to not be worried about seating in restaurants -- when you're very large you are very particular about where you sit and if you'll be able to fit in the booth, or be able to have your chair back far enough to acommodate you but not bump up against the person behind you.  And it would be nice to not dread flying so much.  I hate it at this size because I'm uncomfortable in the seat and I'm probably making the person next to me uncomforatable.  When I was traveling a lot for work, I was terrifed to have my flight changed becaue it meant I might end up in a middle seat, which is the worst possible place for a fat person on a plane.

So yes, I'd like to no longer be a fat ass, but there are so many other reason, too.